Horsecrap: A tale of wandering SUVs in the Jōmon period and why my kingdom lacks gold (a cool story in noh-kyōgen 3D)
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    1. #1
      Member Juniper Monkeys's Avatar
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      Horsecrap: A tale of wandering SUVs in the Jōmon period and why my kingdom lacks gold (a cool story in noh-kyōgen 3D)

      So, aside from a deeply unusual stretch in a ’62 Galaxie, I’ve had my Miata for five years. And in all that time, thousands of Canadian women have slept alone. In many ways, an ideal detente. Unfortunately, the vicissitudes of my delicious bagna cąuda are such that when I was driving to Target to buy the greenest swimwear possible, there was an SUV that interrupted my tidy progress around a 90° bend, piloted by a deeply unpleasant woman on a phone who put the thing in my lane.



      I drove off the road so as not to allow her the dignity of broadsiding and murdering me, and my front suspension looked like this:



      That was a new wheel, a new shock, OEM upper and lower control arms, sway bar end link, tie rod, OEM subframe, and so forth. Since the lady ran off, and none of the witnesses got the plate, insurance wouldn’t cover it as I don’t carry collision, and I could not defeat my State Farm agent in brutal, ritualized hand-to-hand combat. But then, as I recovered from my letter-opener wounds, the car was back!



      But the cost of fixing it was such that I could either pay for grad. school or keep the Miata. So it got sold to a Floridian in Florida, which is a land I have heard of.




      And thus my awesome little buddy of five years was stolen by the bagna cąuda! It only broke down once (an exploding plastic radiator; if you have an NA MT Miata, just go to a junkyard, find a Miata with an automatic, and take its much-nicer metal radiator) in all that time, over 50k miles.



      And, accordingly, I drove the borrowed cars of legend; a ’93 Accord and a ’98 New Beetle TDI. I like that generation of Accord especially, they’re fantastic A-B cars, and this one only has 55k on it. But it was not for sale, which I understand because when I fight crime, neither are my principles, as they are the intellectual property of the Monsanto Corporation.

      So I needed a car that would sit around my grad. school while I bike everywhere, come on camping trips, and then go on 600 mile round-trips from my school to my girlfriend’s. I was looking for a 240D, manual, with A/C, but they are very expensive in good condition, as they’re what the people want, so I compromised and got this, the Fancy Stuttgart Taxi—an ’82 300D turbo, automatic, with all the options. More complicated than I’d like, but quite clean, and with maintenance records. At the price I found it, it was either this or enumerable beat-up 240Ds in the spec. I wanted, so I figured I’d bear with the possible headaches of the turbocharger, power windows, and automatic transmission. The auto is not geared properly (any more than 70mph and you feel like you’re guilty of murder), but I’ll just hope that it stays reliable until I could comfortably afford to swap in a manual, or find a better auto… for the time being, needs a little suspension work—shocks, an alignment—but is okay otherwise. So comfy.







      Beyond ensuring reliability, my only plans are to install a roof-rack for my kayak, the later-type European headlights, and a steering wheel from the W115—an older style with a horn ring and such. The previous owner put on the older-style hubcaps (replacing the weird bottlecap things), so the wheels are taken care of. May the fishtanks of our neighbors smile upon cars that make forward progress.
      Last edited by Juniper Monkeys; 07-07-2010 at 05:50 PM.
      Look, Octopius, it is my website! | 遠慮せずに食べてください。

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    3. #2
      Geriatric Member ByronLLN's Avatar
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      Man, if I had known you were selling it...

    4. #3
      Geriatric Member AKADriver's Avatar
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      I'd suggest that the GMC Rapist is a product of the Yayoi period, as evidenced by the copious use of iron, and that its seating arrangement suggests the taller frames of a people who had mastered wet-rice agriculture.
      Splinter - Team Post-Killing Ninja
      I don't practice llanteria

    5. #4
      Member peoples_car's Avatar
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      the people's car approves of this message

      Quote Originally Posted by patrikman View Post
      This has to be my jam right now. If I had a few more subcontractors intothis type of **** the old lady would be done by now. Give me the kayak you know somebody is being a poseureur about.
      Oh My Tumblr: DGDCphotography.tumblr.com

    6. #5
      Member archangel06's Avatar
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      at first i was all , but then i realized it was juniper monkeys and just and

      good story!
      Quote Originally Posted by dieselraver View Post
      1. is my post informative?
      2. am I contributing to the topic at hand?
      3. will my post offend anyone?
      if you can answer those questions go right ahead and post away.

    7. #6
      Member Juniper Monkeys's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by AKADriver View Post
      I'd suggest that the GMC Rapist is a product of the Yayoi period, as evidenced by the copious use of iron, and that its seating arrangement suggests the taller frames of a people who had mastered wet-rice agriculture.
      Hmm, you have a point there. The 16-passenger capacity also points to a people who, as a consequence of those improvements in agriculture and associated factors, were experiencing a reduction in infant mortality.
      Last edited by Juniper Monkeys; 07-07-2010 at 06:13 PM.
      Look, Octopius, it is my website! | 遠慮せずに食べてください。

    8. #7
      Member Der Audidude's Avatar
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      I wish JM had written my school text books. They'd have been FAR more entertaining
      History: 1988 Audi 90 Quattro - 1990 Nissan 300ZX - 1999 Subaru Legacy 2.5 GT Anniv. Edition - 2001 VW GTI VR6

    9. #8
      Member NoLongerLow's Avatar
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      You are hilarious, JM.

      Sorry about the Miata. It looked like a fantastic car.

      Enjoy the MB.

    10. #9
      Senior Member VadGTI's Avatar
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      This thread + 1320-20V's thread + HaterSlayer's thread = TCL is back, baby!

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      #FREEPATRIKMAN
      Quote Originally Posted by Jrod511 View Post
      If I could do one thing with a DeLorean it would be to give Vad's parents a condom.
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      Do you want to be known as the guy who makes worse automotive decisions than VadGTI?

    11. #10
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      Quote Originally Posted by VadGTI View Post
      This thread + 1320-20V's thread + HaterSlayer's thread = TCL is back, baby!

      Absolutely!

      Now, why aren't you on gmail ?

    12. #11
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      You know, I didn't think it was possible to overdose on THC, but then I came across Junipermonkeys.

    13. #12
      Member atomicalex's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by VadGTI View Post
      This thread + 1320-20V's thread + HaterSlayer's thread = TCL is back, baby!

      Thank God. I thought I was going to have to start insulting men again.
      I AM DISCO DIVA!
      たくさんとうふ、よ Where did all these damn Toyotas come from?
      Compared to a British roadster, all Volkswagens are reliable!
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    14. #13
      Member Dawg Dee-Lux's Avatar
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      I have to say, I'd be happy driving both the Miata, and the 300D.

      Oh, and your writing is kinda like it was written in, say perhaps, russian, and then translated in google

      Always amusing, and sometimes confusing - keep up the good work

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    15. #14
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      So, wait, let me get this straight. You are in grad school and you own a car? Nice.

    16. #15
      Member arozanski's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Juniper Monkeys View Post
      So, aside from a deeply unusual stretch in a ’62 Galaxie, I’ve had my Miata for five years. And in all that time, thousands of Canadian women have slept alone. In many ways, an ideal detente. Unfortunately, the vicissitudes of my delicious bagna cąuda are such that when I was driving to Target to buy the greenest swimwear possible, there was an SUV that interrupted my tidy progress around a 90° bend, piloted by a deeply unpleasant woman on a phone who put the thing in my lane.


      There's always one in the herd that makes the rest of us look bad.
      2001 Jeep Wrangler 4.0, 2007 Subaru Outback 3.0, 2002 Harley Fat Boy

    17. #16
      Senior Member feels_road's Avatar
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      Hope you are doing well despite the raining peaches. You should be able to have your graduate studies paid - no?


    18. #17
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      The Thorazine; it worked!

      Good to see you back, JM, and may your genitals grow even less ambiguous over time!

    19. #18
      Banned justanotherusername's Avatar
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    20. #19
      Member Süsser Tod's Avatar
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      From a previous thread we found out that Juniper Monkeys is a woman, and from this one, that she has a girlfriend.

      So Juniper Monkeys is in fact a lesbian. Why didn't she get a Forester???

    21. #20
      Member Juniper Monkeys's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by feels_road View Post
      Hope you are doing well despite the raining peaches. You should be able to have your graduate studies paid - no?
      Eh, they take care of most of it, but there's still a bunch of extraneous expenses that my crack team of mathemassassins (== Woodrow Wilson + exoskeleton + hatchets) are still adding up.

      Quote Originally Posted by chikubi View Post
      Good to see you back, JM, and may your genitals grow even less ambiguous over time!
      Look, Octopius, it is my website! | 遠慮せずに食べてください。

    22. #21
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      Should've taken the hit

    23. #22
      1. It occurs to me that this is a wonderfully modern-esque incarnation of the Prolecrusher, but it needs more crushed velvet.
      2. Those yellow fog lights would bring a pretty penny from the hipster pond scum in either the VW Mk1 or Scirocco forum.

    24. #23
      Senior Member feels_road's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Juniper Monkeys View Post
      Eh, they take care of most of it, but there's still a bunch of extraneous expenses that my crack team of mathemassassins (== Woodrow Wilson + exoskeleton + hatchets) are still adding up.
      I understand. I heard Grigory Perelman is accepting gigs - perhaps he can be of help, as long as your problems can be reduced to 3-Davis manure folds.

    25. #24
      Member KahviVW's Avatar
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      Oh noes! Such a shame, it was always a nice looking NA with a hardtop.

      When you get out of grad school you can always pick up a nice roadster.
      Quote Originally Posted by rich! View Post
      i'd lock this thread but i have no clue how...

    26. #25
      Member crashmtb's Avatar
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      Bumping this thread, because this car must be saved from Florida and returned to upper-middle-west California.

      Carfax says nothing since 2014. Florida’s vin lookup thingy says it’s actively registered.

      TCL hive mind, assemble!
      Quote Originally Posted by Juniper Monkeys View Post
      If someone at GM is reading this, if you give me a Corvette and $28.5m, I'll hand-paint the body of it, I'll breed it with an AIBO, I'll convert it to a boat and drive across SF Bay, I'll drive it through the lobby of Mazda HQ in LA, I'll ship it to China and invade the Forbidden City in it, then I'll drive up to Baikonur in Kazakhstan and have it fired to geosynchronous orbit on a Zenit-3SL rocket.

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